


crossed out

by declanlynch



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Fluff, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Abuse, M/M, first time hug... lmao, it's a small mention of neils mother. nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:28:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23519980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/declanlynch/pseuds/declanlynch
Summary: Neil wants to hug Andrew. Neil wants Andrew more than he ever wanted anything else. Neil would give up everything he has for Andrew.or: Today On Neil Josten: learning how to hug
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 48
Kudos: 457





	crossed out

**Author's Note:**

> In the words of Emily Dickinson.. "I am half afraid to hope for what I long for."

Neil doesn’t know what to do. 

Andrew’s hands are on his waist, and Neil’s hands are in his pockets. Andrews a great kisser, Neil knew that since the first time they kissed, and he always gets lost in the feeling he gets in his stomach whenever Andrew is around, whenever Andrew touches him and chooses Neil again and again and again. 

And it’s what he feels right now. But. He wants to- 

No. He can’t allow himself that. He built a guide a long time ago- studying how to try new things. Step one: make sure you’re okay with it. Step two: make sure Andrew is okay with it. Step three: do it. But the first two steps are hard, sometimes. 

The foxes often joke about it, but it’s true that they can understand and communicate with each other using just a glance or a touch, a nod or any other movement. But there are also things that can only be confirmed and understood using words. And Neil has never been great with words that aren’t for attacking or defending, the same way he knows exactly where to cut to hurt a person the most, but doesn’t know how to hug. 

Well. He and his mother never talked a lot, anyways, the language of silence isn’t something new to him. But. 

Andrew breaks the kiss and breathes in. Neil sits straight and stretches, the feeling of the hard wall behind him instantly hit him when Andrew stopped kissing him. The bed underneath them creaks as Andrew stands up. 

He scans Neil’s face, eyes roaming over every part, and asks, "hungry?"

Neil doesn’t hear the question. His eyes follow the line of Andrew’s jaw, Andrew’s neck, Andrew’s shoulders and waist and before he can understand what he’s doing he imagines it for a second- wrapping his hands around Andrew’s neck, or maybe around his waist, imagines burying his head in Andrew’s soft hair or in the crook of his neck, with Andrew’s strong arms around him, as well. Holding him tight. Neil is warm, warm, warm, he feels like the sun exploded inside of him, and he can’t stop himself from smiling. 

His eyes find Andrew’s face again. Neil doesn’t know what kind of expression he’s making, but it’s probably a ridiculous one, because Andrew snorts. 

“Food?” Andrew asks, and this time Neil hears him, so he nods and gets up to follow him. As they eat, Andrew’s eyes are on him the whole time. 

—-

He’s so stupid. Sure, he knows that already. Enough people told him that already, but it never really sank in until- now. 

Neil is sitting with his legs crossed on the floor next to one of the beanbags. When they finished eating, Andrew declared that he’s going to buy ice cream and left without another word. And Neil is- worried. What if he made Andrew uncomfortable? No. He trusts Andrew to tell him if that happens. 

But this itching feeling won’t go away. It’s heavy, on his heart and his mind, and he doesn’t know how to carry it.

Neil knows not to be selfish. Every mark on his skin is a lesson in what happens when you want more than you can ever have. Neil feels hot, but he isn’t sure if it’s just the room or him, he doesn't know to stop this static of a feeling and the fast beating of his heart. 

He closes his eyes and breathes in. His head is in a conflict over something he doesn’t even want to admit out loud. And suddenly it’s too much. He lets himself fall back to the floor and just lay there, staring at the ceiling. 

And that’s when the lock turns and the door opens. He listens to the quiet footsteps, the rustling of the plastic bag. He hears the freezer opening and closing. And finally, he sees Andrew. 

Andrew looks down at him, and Neil is sure that God made Andrew just to laugh at Neil. To make him go crazy. He never had these desires before, he never meant to be with someone, this wasn’t in the plan. Never in the plan. 

Andrew looks so beautiful and warm- so warm that Neil can feel heat all over his body, and as Andrew crouches down, Neil sits up. They meet in the middle. With a yes or no from Andrew and a quiet yes from Neil, they kiss, and kiss and kiss and kiss, and Neil feels every nerve in his body waking up. Andrew’s hands find their place in Neil’s hair, after Andrew put one of Neil’s hands on his nape, and Neil feels his brain melting and heart snapping in two. 

Neil wants to hug Andrew. Neil wants Andrew more than he ever wanted anything else. Neil would give up everything he has for Andrew. 

Neil thinks about the story that Andrew told him about Icarus, and wonders if he’ll meet the same fate.

——

Neil never wanted to hug anything. 

Not his mother- she never hugged, never kissed, and when she did touch him it was because of anger. But she always made sure he wasn’t dead. Back then, that was enough. 

And apart from her, there isn’t another option. He never had friends, lovers, someone he felt this want towards. This need. This.. hunger to hold. 

He looks at the possible reasons of why he wants to hug Andrew. He wants to hold Andrew and Andrew to hold him, to keep Andrew safe from anything that wants to hurt him. But it’s not just that- it’s the warmth that floods his chest whenever Andrew touches him. He imagines the warmth he’d feel with Andrew’s hands around him and he wants to explode. 

A movie night. Andrew has an essay to write, so he couldn’t come, and so Neil is sitting on the couch watching the people instead of the movie. Matt has one of his arms around Dan’s shoulder, Aaron- who came only because the foxes also invited Katelyn- has Katelyn in his lap with his hands around her waist. 

It’s like a second nature to them. The same way it’s a second nature for Neil to reach for Andrew, he realizes. The same way he wraps his hand around Andrew’s wrist, fingers on pulse point, when he’s too nervous.

It’s not like the foxes do more - with their spontaneous hugs and touches - it’s just that they do it in a different way, and Neil finds another reason- he wants to try everything Andrew would agree to, wants to touch and feel anything Andrew would let him. 

When he returns to Andrew, they sit on the bed and he tells Andrew about the movie. Andrew listens, and in the middle he reaches out and interlocks his pinkie with Neil’s. Before Neil can smile, Andrew asks for a yes and then kisses him and kisses him and kisses him. Second nature. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. 

——-

Neil has been planning to talk about it with Andrew for a while. 

Not anyone else. Just Andrew, because this is between them. 

Andrew is staring at him. They’re leaning on a wall next to the door on the roof, holding cigarettes, until Andrew stubs his out and says, “what is it?” 

Neil isn’t surprised that Andrew knows he wants to talk about something. Andrew could always read his expression, like Neil’s an open book. But. Imagining talking and actually talking are worlds apart in levels of difficulty, and he doesn’t even know where to start. He thinks, again, about his worries. He’s so selfish. So needy. What would Andrew think? That Neil can’t live without a hug? Andrew would think that he’s ridiculous.

No. He can’t jump to conclusions like that. Neil doesn’t do that. He looks at Andrew and asks, eyes following ants on the floor, if they can hug. 

Andrew stares at him blankly. His eyebrows furrow. The static returns. Neil was stupid to believe that this would work. It won't. Andrew would find this ridiculous, for sure. 

Andrew snorts. Neil turns around to leave, until a hand on his shoulder stops him and turns him back around. 

“That’s it?” Andrew asks. “You’ve been panicking because of that?” 

No. It’s bigger than that, bigger than that for Neil and for Andrew as well. Andrew shouldn’t make this something small- something- 

Andrew cuts off his thoughts when he sighs, and all of Neil’s senses focus on Andrew again and on the hand that’s still on his shoulder. 

Neil watches as Andrew’s jaw clench, as his other palm closes into a fist, and realizes that maybe it is relatively small, because Andrew looks like he’s been expecting something much worse. 

Andrew says, “you’re allowed to ask for things, as well.”

“I do.”

“You don’t. You know that.” A pause. Then, “it’s a yes.”

Neil never thought Andrew would agree the moment he'll ask. He stares at him for a long time, trying to process these words, and then Andrew sighs. He takes Neil’s hands and puts them around his neck, then wraps his hands around Neil’s waist. 

It’s so, so warm, and Neil thinks about icarus, and he understands why he wanted to touch the sun so bad. Neil buries his head in the crook of Andrew’s neck- yes, maybe next time, he can put it in Andrew’s soft hair. Andrew tightens his hold around Neil’s waist and leans his head on Neil’s shoulder. Neil never felt so safe, so cared for, and he wonders how other people do it all the time. He might really melt. 

Andrew keeps tightening his hold around Neil, slowly, and Neil smiles against his neck. He learned the language of silence, of movements, and he knows that Andrew likes it too. He breathes Andrew in. He’s sure that he can stay like this forever. He’ll never need anything else. 

Andrew whispers a percentage. Neil closes his eyes and drowns in this feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope u enjoyed. Sorry for any mistakes english is not my first language!! thank you for reading :)


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